Winter Trip 2013: Part one Driving for two days with four kids.

As we were starting to make plans for the holidays, my in laws were trying to figure out when would be a good time to visit their family in Utah.  They wanted to take the kids to see the snow, so they were talking about dates in the winter. I mentioned that the boys were out of school for two weeks at Christmas time and other than that, they didn’t really have any big chunks of time off school. After a little bit of discussion it was decided that this whole crazy family would be taking a road trip over Christmas and New Years. My parents had already made plans to be with my sister in Virginia so we didn't have to worry about my side of the family.   It is not a small task (I should say that it is a big task but I do love doing it) to put together a nice family Christmas while at home. It is even harder to do it on the road.

As soon as we decided that we would be traveling over the holidays I started making plans, but not the kind that I was used to making.  Instead of planning my holiday menus and inviting family for parties, I was figuring out itineraries and talking to Mr. Train about hotel arrangements for our family. Here was our schedule.

Day 1: Drive to Saint George Utah, stay at a hotel
Day 2: Drive to Park City, stay in rental condo
Day 3-6 Enjoy park city and celebrate Christmas
Day 7: Drive to Las Vegas, stay at the Luxor Hotel
Day 8: sight see around Las Vegas
Day 9: Drive to Surprise Arizona
Day 10-11: Hang out with Family, celebrate New Years and Ray's Grandparents 65th wedding anniversary
Day 12: Drive home

 Looking back at it now I know why so many people thought we were crazy.  Most of my family and friends said, “Good luck with that” or “oh my God you’re crazy,” or “wow glad it’s not me.”  To be honest it was a bit of a crazy trip, but the memories we made with our kids and the holiday we had was worth all the craziness and the 40+ hours of driving.

We have done this road trip out to Utah several times since becoming parents, and we seem to be learning a little more each time. For example there is no way I can pack for all six of us for 12 days without washing clothes. Let me do some math for you. 4 kids x 12 days would be 48 pants and shirts and pajamas, not to mention we have to throw in all the ridiculous amounts of snow gear (moms who live in climates where it snows a lot I bow down to you because good lord it takes forever to get everyone dressed), and clothes for my husband and I. I also learned that for nights on the road, it’s good to pack one small overnight bag for the whole family so that the entire car doesn’t have to be unloaded at each stop.

These trips, and parenting in general, have forced me to be a more flexible person (not easy for a person like me). Google maps said it would take 7 hours our first day of driving but Google didn’t know we were going to have to stop at every rest stop between Baker and Las Vegas because someone had to go to the bathroom. Each time we unloaded all four kids to try to go and still we would only make it about 20 miles before someone else had to go again.

We thought we would be in Vegas at lunch time around the same time as my in laws who left from San Diego but they were about an hour behind us.  The timing just wasn't going to work.  There was no way we could entertain the kids at a restaurant for and hour before they got there or wait while they ate once they did arrive.  So of course plans had to change.  McDonald's it would be.  We had hoped to eat quickly and get back on the road but of course things just take so long when trying to herd four children around.

We did eventually make it to our destination.  After a few arguments between the driver and the navigator of course, we managed to find out hotel and meet up with Rays parents.  The kids were absolutely hyper after being in the car from 8:30 in the morning until dinner time but I knew we were going to have to eat somewhere but I was dreading going to a restaurant.  So first we let the kids run around the back of the hotel for a little bit where they found the smallest patch of snow.  You would have thought they won the lottery.  It was hilarious to watch them fuss over this small patch of snow when I knew tomorrow we would be heading into areas where there were several feet of snow on the ground.

Lilly tromping through the piles of snow

They have no idea how much snow will be in Park City

Then we headed off to The Olive Garden in hopes that the kids would be able to maintain some sort of composure throughout the meal.  To my surprise they actually did pretty well. I had to get up a bunch to take them to the bathroom but whats new... I don't think I have sat through very many meals in the last five years.  Ray had to take Nick outside for a little chat when he refused to sit in any chair because James had claimed the one he wanted but it didn't turn into a full blown kicking and screaming fit so I consider that a win.

It took awhile for everyone to calm down back at our hotel room.  Bed time after being in the car all day can be quite an interesting situation.  We did have to make some compromises to make everyone happy.  The twins ended up on the couch bed.  Lilly and I were in one queen bed and Ray and James were in the other.  James was not feeling very well and spiked a little fever right at bed time (Of course in my head I was freaking out.....not right at the beginning of the trip.... not a sick kid) and daddy was the only thing that was making him feel better.  Luckily he woke up feeling fine.

Lounging in our Hotel room

We had breakfast down in the lobby and packed up.  I think it was around 8:30 when we were on the road.  Rays Parents took the job of driving in the van with the kids and let us drive their car.  We were actually able to listen to our audiobook we brought.  Of course we had a lot of stops to make and I know the kids were getting excited.  Each stop we made had a little more snow on the ground.  As we got closer to Salt Lake it even started snowing.  They thought that was the best!  It was really funny to see my silly kids get so excited about dirty old snow on the ground at every gas station we stopped at.  (I think people could tell we were from out of town).

They insisted on playing in this snow at a rest stop while the people in the car next to us laughed.

Luckily we made it to our destination in Park City.  My mother in Law had rented a lovely Condo.  The kids ran up and down the stairs excitedly.  They found the room with the bunk bed in it so they knew immediately that it was theirs.  Ray began the daunting task of unloading everything from the car while I tried to herd the kids out of his way.  We pack in large duffel bags instead of suitcases because it was easier to shove them in the car in random places but man they are heavy.  He also had some packages from Santa that we were carefully trying to hide.  Fortunately they kids were so busy running and screaming their heads off that they didn't even notice what Ray was carrying up the stairs.

Next time I will write about all our adventures in Utah and celebrating Christmas on the road.

Another Holiday With An Empty Crib And A Heart Full Of Hope

I know this might seem like an odd title for someone with four kids but, as some of you may know, my journey to becoming a mother was not exactly easy.  While I was struggling with infertility, I often wrote down some of my thoughts.  It felt like it was one of the only ways to get them all out.  I really thought people wouldn't want to talk about it with me.  If I complained out loud, I worried I might offend one of the many pregnant women (including my sister) in my life.  I wrote this before Christmas 2007.  It was just shy of a year before I became a mother.

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Here come the holidays again. The past couple of years this time of year has been tough.  Last year we had been trying for six months and I really thought by now, a whole year later, this would be in the past and I would be a mother. Each month is a struggle, but Christmas seems even harder. A holiday that is meant to share with family and children just seems like a cruel reminder of what I want more than anything and yet can’t have. Let's face it -- the whole holiday is about the birth of a baby. And then New Years comes and the year changes over to the next. One more slap in the face to remind me that time is passing without building my family.

I am the type of girl who loves Christmas. I swear, to my very core, I live for sharing holiday joy with those around me and I am just having trouble this year. It is killing me. My sister is due in a few months with her third child. I am so excited to meet my new niece, but I can’t help but look at her and wish it was me. I want to be a stronger person who doesn’t  have those jealous feelings, but when I see her with her kids, I can’t help but want my own to cherish the holidays with.  There are so many traditions I want to pass onto my own kids, but I don’t know when or if it will happen.

Well with all that being said, I have been listening to one particular Christmas song that has just one line in it that I play over and over again. It’s called Christmas Pipes by Celtic Woman.  It goes through different instruments, bands and choirs and talks about how they bring the Christmas spirit with them.  The one line I hear over and over again in my head is, “Christmas strings, Christmas strings, Playing the peace that Christmas brings.”  I long for that Christmas peace.  I used to feel this calm in my soul while we celebrated with family and friends.  I am going to find that peace again. I have to.

I know that I am not going to be perfect.  There will be more tears, there will be more heartache, but I am going to try my best to fill my heart with hope and peace instead of jealousy and anger.  I gave up my fertility treatments two months ago.  I can’t do it anymore.  I hate the medications, the shots, the mood swings, and especially the disappointments. I am a fertility treatment drop out. I have turned my heart and soul to another direction. I don’t know where we will be next year.  I don’t know what journey we will take, but we have gone to an adoption agency that we liked. The next step is to fill out some applications that we are working on (I have never had to answer so many questions in my life).  The room in our house that will be our nursery is still empty. There is no perfect little baby in my arms but I finally feel like we might be getting closer.

So come on Christmas.  I am ready for you. I am filling myself with peace and joy and the hope for the coming year. I am not going to let that idea of an empty crib haunt me. I am not going to distance myself from those that I love. Next year I could be a mom or pregnant and if I am not, I will be reminding myself that I am not always the one in control.  I have to have faith and I am trying to focus on the fact that this journey I am on is the path I am meant to take.  That is the peace that Christmas brings and fills my heart with hope.

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I can’t read this without tearing up.  This was six years ago and I have four beautiful children that I am sharing all of my holiday traditions with, but the pain that I felt is still very real.  I still very much relate to other women who are struggling to build their families.  I just wanted to share these words that I wrote before becoming a mother, because I know so many who are in the same place as I was.  I think whether you are trying for your first, second or third child, the wait can become unbearable at times and Christmas can often be a huge reminder of that.  My wish for those who are waiting is that you find your peace.  Take time to center yourself and your heart and then let yourself experience the joy that comes with the holidays.

Wreaths Across America: A Christmas Tradition

Last year my family attended an event that was really moving to me.  It may seem like an unusual family tradition but I really enjoyed it.  I say it might be unusual because it takes place in a cemetery.  I know what you must be thinking… a Christmas tradition at a cemetery?  I know it just sounds odd, but last year we attended our first Wreaths Across America. It is a nationwide event that started in Arlington, and has grown to include over 800 veterans' cemeteries.  Their mission is to Remember, Honor and Teach. It’s always on a Saturday in December, and it was one of the most moving and memorable things I have attended.

I had never heard of this event until last year.  My aunt had mentioned that she wanted to go because my Uncle and she used to go together.  My uncle had passed the year before and we were all, and still are, mourning his death. As a family we decided to gather together and support my Aunt. My uncle was a retired Marine and often enjoyed events that would celebrate and honor those who have served. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was pleasantly surprised and touched by the whole thing. We attended Wreaths Across America at Fort Rosecrans National Cemetery in San Diego. I knew it would be an emotional morning not only because it was something my Uncle liked, but because he is also buried there along with my grandparents.

Marines ready to present the flags at the beginning of the ceremony

In the morning there was a lovely ceremony.  They had chairs set up for the audience on a large grassy area.  They had several speakers talk about the memories of those who have served, those who lost their lives, and those who are currently serving. I often get caught up in the hustle and bustle of holiday schedules, but this morning I took the time to sit and listen. So many people in my family have served and are currently serving in all the different branches of the military. It was nice to take a minute to remember all of those people. During the ceremony they dedicate a wreath to each of the military branches. Each person in the audience who belonged or was currently serving stood while their wreath was brought to the front. I have to admit I had to choke back tears as I watched my dad stand while they played the Marine Corps Hymn and presented the wreath.  So many times I had seen him and my Uncle standing side by side for their anthem. I certainly felt him there with us that morning.

Dedication of the wreaths

At the end of the ceremony they gave everyone instructions for placing wreaths around the cemetery.  There were uniformed volunteers from various branches who had assignments  to place wreaths on those graves who had received medals of honor and those who were killed in action. Besides those wreaths, everyone was welcomed to place wreaths on any gravestone they wished and help honor those who have served our country. Although they don't have enough wreaths for the entire cemetery, there are huge sections that are completely covered in wreaths. It was a very humbling experience for me because not only are all the graves from people who have served in our military, but each of those wreaths were placed by someone who came to pay their respects.

A very moving sight from the morning.

Although this is a beautiful ceremony and the sight of the cemetery decorated is gorgeous, it can be a difficult thing for kids. We did not take the kids the first year because I didn't know what to expect. This year the kids wanted to go, but we missed the ceremony. We were still able to go and view the wreaths and see where my Uncle and Grandparents are interred. It of course brings up a ton of questions, but James has been asking them already.  He asks me all the time if my Uncle is in heaven playing with our dog Bailey and where is he buried. I figured it would be a good time to take him and help answer his questions.

We told them about paying their respects and coming to this calm place to remember our loved ones. It's hard for kids, but I think it's OK to teach them about it if they are asking questions. I think it's also important to help remind them that Christmas is not just a holiday about presents and cookies and candy, but that it's about family.  It's about giving our family members part of our heart and showing them our love.  I remember those family members who we have lost. I tear up at the thought of a family who can't celebrate together because a member of their family is over seas. I outright cry at the thought of families who are also mourning the loss of their family members. I want to share those emotions with my kids because they are real, and they are a part of who I am during this holiday season.

I am glad they are learning how to honor those we have lost during the holiday season.

Like I said, I know it sounds weird to have a Christmas Tradition that involves going to a cemetery, but if you ever have the chance to see the wreaths on any of the national cemeteries it is truly a beautiful and humbling sight.

Santa is Real in Our House

In my post about our Christmas Party, I did mention that we had a certain visitor come to our house during the holiday season.  Yes it is Santa, and yes at 32 I must say… I still believe.  I know this may sound crazy for a grown woman to say, but in our house Santa is and always will be one of the symbols of the magic of Christmas.  I have had several conversations with some of my mom friends who have asked me how we handle Santa. I have even seen it on online forums.  I get questions like "Do you tell them he's real?"  "Will they ever trust me again when they find out I lied?" "Will they be devastated when they find out?"

To be honest, I don't know.  I can't predict the future.  But for this precious few years when they believe in magic and are only limited by their imagination, I want to let them.  I thought I would share how we handle Santa at our house.  Although in order to explain fully how we deal with Santa in our house I need to give a little background about myself.

You see, when I was growing up, I KNEW Santa and he was one of the most important people in my life.   I know it sounds crazy because I just said I knew Santa, but truly I did.  He came to our house for our Christmas Eve party.  He came to my Girl Scout troop, church, Indian Maidens, school, you name it… he was there.  I knew it had to be the real deal.  He always looked the same and he always brought Mrs. Claus with him.  When I was about five I remember saying to my mom, “Hey mom, Santa has a nose just like Pepe (that’s what I called my grandfather).  That’s so funny.”  I was quickly whisked aside and given THE TALK.

 
Me and my Pepe, one of the most important men in my life.

It may not be the same as in other houses you see, as my talk involved finding out that Santa was in fact my grandfather, but not just for me for hundreds of kids each year.  My mom talked to me about the spirit of Christmas and how some people want to be Santa’s helpers and my grandfather was one of those people.  He was the type of person who wanted to share the joy of the holidays with as many kids as he could.  Since I was his granddaughter, it was part of my job to help keep his secret and spread Christmas joy to all the other kids and I loved every minute of it! Even a few year later, when I found out that there was no real person coming down the chimney and giving gifts on Christmas, I would hear his bells at our door and my heart would fill with joy and love because I knew he was coming.  My Grandpa was Santa and it was one of the greatest things of my childhood.

Both my Grandmother and Grandfather played Mr. and Mrs. Claus well into my adulthood.  All through high school, my friends and I would pose for our Christmas picture with Santa and talk about how awesome my grandparents were with all the small kids.  My sister even had them come to her rehearsal dinner for her Christmas wedding. It was one of the last times they wore their costumes. As they got older, they knew they weren’t going to be able to do it anymore.  I can assure you there were a lot of tears the last year they played Mr. and Mrs. Claus. It wasn’t just our family. It was schools, churches and many other groups that my grandparents were able to touch in their years as the Mr. and Mrs. Claus.

Fast forward to a few years down the line, a new generation of Mr. and Mrs. Claus made their appearance and it also happened to be the first year I was a mother.  My mom made some new costumes to fit her and my father and they made their first appearance on Christmas Eve 2008.  I can’t explain how emotional I was as I saw my parents take over what my grandparents had done for so long.  James was only 7 weeks old at the time but he had his first picture with Santa as my mother and I tried to choke back tears as we remembered fondly the years we had with my grandparents

 
2008 with the next generation of Santa and Mrs. Claus

The magic I felt as a kid is alive tenfold in my heart because I get to see the wonder in my kids’ eyes.  Santa will forever be a part of our household just like it was for me when I was growing up.  In our house we talk about Santa and that he is a real person who delivers presents to all the children of the world on Christmas Eve.  We wrap presents in special paper just from Santa and talk about the magic of the season.  He fills their stockings with small toys and candy.  We leave a tray of cookies and hot chocolate (after watching the movie “The Santa Clause” Joe has informed  me that is what we are supposed to do, not milk, hot chocolate).  We make our lists to Santa asking for some items, and I try to get at least one thing off of it.

 
2009, oh my how fast our family has grown.

Back to those original questions about how my children will handle finding out that Santa isn't real and if I am worried.  My simplest answer is, “No. I am not worried.”  I love giving them the power of imagination and joy that comes with it.  I will handle it the same way my parents did with me.  My hope is that I can instill in them the magic and wonder of Christmas the way my parents did with me.  I never felt like I was lied to or that I couldn’t trust my parents.  I wasn’t upset or sad.  I still believe Santa is real in all of those who hold the joy and wonder of Christmas in our hearts, and I will teach that to my kids.

 
2010, I love seeing the changes in the kids in each year's photo.

 
2011, we are adding one more baby into the family.

To be truthful I have already had a little chat with my boys about this.  Last year they recognized my parents, so this year before our Christmas party I sat them down and we talked about Santa and the people who come to our house and their school.  I told them about my grandfather (Joe was exceptionally excited because it was the Grandpa he was named after), and told them about the spirit of Christmas living inside some people's hearts. I told them everything my mother told me. I told them they needed to help keep our Family Secret safe for the kids that don’t know yet, including their little sister. They were thrilled to be a part of the mystery and excited about keeping the secret for everyone else.

 
2012, the boys recognized their Grandma and Papa

Their talk was a little different than mine because I had the same experiences they had as a kid and I can share it with them.  I told them about the bells my grandparents wore on their belts. We talked about that sound and what it meant to me as a child. I told them how Grandma made herself a new costume but that they wore the same bells from my grandparents' costumes.  They couldn't believe that they would hear the same bells that I did as a child. (I am pretty sure they think I am ancient and anything from my childhood should already be crumbling into dust.) As my parents announced their arrival with the jingling of their bells, my kids jumped for joy.  This year they knew it was my parents.  They knew it was just a costume and they thought it was one of the greatest things in the world.

 
2013, even though they know our family secret the joy of Christmas is still there.

I know in the next few years we will have our second installment of conversations with our kids about there being no person who delivers gifts, but that Santa is a symbol of the joy that we should share with each other over the holiday season.  I am hoping they will handle it well, but of course there are no guarantees in parenting. So in our house, just as it was in my house growing up, Santa is real and I will always believe and I will share that magic with my kids. Nick has already told me that when he has kids, it will be my job to be Mrs. Claus.  I gave him a big hug and told him I absolutely would be!

James Turns Five

To My Sweet James:

This week you turned five.  I look at you and I am amazed at the little boy you have become.  There is no more toddler left at all.  You are a full blown little kid.  We had a great couple of weeks celebrating your birthday with you.  You really ended up milking your birthday this year.  You had a cake at your birthday party (2 weeks ago), some cake the day before your birthday with our family dinner, a fun cupcake dessert at a dinner on your actual birthday while we were driving to San Francisco, and then your Aunt gave you a cake while we were visiting with her.  I think that’s a pretty lucky little guy.  Not many people get four birthday cakes and songs.  You loved every minute of it.  You laughed and sang along with us, then asked us to sing again.

Your smile is still infectious.  It always has been.  Since you were a baby, you have had the biggest and cutest dimples.  I love seeing your smile and hearing your laugh.  I think part of that is because you are a very serious little guy.  You are very thoughtful and quiet but then once you get started with your brothers, your laugh just fills the room.  When you get the giggles the rest of us can’t help but laugh along with you.

You are a caring and honest person.  Your preschool teachers are amazed at how sensitive and empathetic you are to your friends.  You still like to tease and you and your brothers really go at it sometimes, but if someone is hurt or sad I can see it in your face that you truly hurt for that person and that is a beautiful part of your heart that shines through.

We decided to put you in a second year of preschool this year and pulled you from the district's Transitional Kindergarten Program.  We thought it was a better fit for you and you have been thriving and learning in your new school.  You and your brothers are in the same class and the way you have handled the transitions makes me so proud of you.

Every day I see how you have grown and what you are learning.  In the last several months you have learned to spell and write your name.  It was a big accomplishment that brought tears to my eyes.  I have so much hope and love for you that every time you meet a goal, I am overcome with pride and joy.  You have almost mastered the two wheeler with no training wheels, but I think that is going to take a little more practice.  I know you can do it. We just have to build up your confidence.

We have had some rough days, you and I.  I think we are both very similar: quiet and stubborn.  Sometimes it feels like we are two bulls with our horns locked.  But I think in the quiet moments after a fit or tantrum, we have the chance to really connect and try to understand each other.  In those times when we get to talk about what happened and apologize (even mommy has to apologize sometimes) for our actions, I really feel like I can connect with you.  When you hug me and say I love you mommy, my heart just explodes.

To my oldest son, you are the one that started this whole crazy family we have.  You were the first to steal my heart away and call me mommy.  Every day is an adventure and I am looking forward to seeing what life with a five year old is like.

Love always,

Your momma

Celebrating our Adoption Day

I am so behind on some of my posts.  Many of these have gone up on Hellobee in the last couple of months but I wanted to post them here as well.  This was back from November when we celebrated the Adoption of our oldest son.

November is a big month for my family, and it happens to coincide with National Adoption Month, which I absolutely love.  In the month of November James’ adoption is at the forefront of my mind.  Not only was he born in November, but we also have visits with his birth family and just three days shy of his birthday we were able to celebrate his Adoption Day.

In the adoption community, there are a lot of different terms and ways to celebrate our children and how they came into our lives. A lot of people celebrate “Gotcha Day” for the day they met or brought home their child.  For us we met him when he was a day old and brought him home from the hospital at 4 days old.  So our “Gotcha day” is really his birthday. Instead, in our family, we celebrate the day that our finalization was signed -- it’s our Adoption day.

On the day of his actual finalization he was almost 1, his brothers were 3 months old and I was exhausted.  I was just so glad to have the whole messy contested adoption ordeal behind me.  We were able to bring people in with us so we had our parents and our twins with us.  We also had our lawyer, the director of the adoption agency and the social worker who had worked our case.  It was a simple gathering in the court room that took just a few minutes. It is all kind of a blur.  I don’t know whether it’s because I was sleep deprived or nervous, but I have trouble remember all the details of the day.  I remember talking to the judge and swearing to our adoption and I remember taking pictures.  I can’t for the life of me remember what we did afterwards to celebrate.  I am pretty sure we got take out and had dinner together at home.

Family photo taken a few days after James' Adoption Day

What I do remember is my emotions.  They are as clear as if I was sitting in the courtroom today. I remember thinking, “This is it, this is the day we finalize and everything changes.” But I signed the papers and I didn’t feel very different.  There was some relief that it was over and signed, but I looked at my little boy and all I saw was my son just as he had been the day before. He was my son the day he was born. He was my son the day I brought him home. He was my son when I wanted to protect him from a year of court appearances and psychological testing.

So legally things had changed.  He now had our name on paper.  We now had sworn before a judge that we would treat him like any biological child.  Our state now recognized us as his legal parents.  The thing that hadn’t changed was my heart.  A year before, I gave him our name.  A year before, I treated him like a biological child.  A year before, I was his mom. I do remember crying.  Not because he was finally ours, but because I had a paper saying that everything I felt was justified and that he had always been ours.

Three weeks old and my heart was already his

Now every year we celebrate as a family.  We celebrate how adoption has changed our lives.  This year we decided to take the kids to the Lego store. (It is a little scary how quickly they have grown to love legos and they are over taking our playroom).  They got to run around the store and play with the bins of legos and the mini people build station, plus we let them pick out one small set.  They were so excited.  We also took the boys out to California Pizza Kitchen.   Of course there was some yelling and running around that drove this momma crazy, but then I tried to remember why we were out to dinner.  We were out to celebrate our family, in all its craziness.

I love my family.  I love being their mom. Even when the not so pretty reality of four kids sets in and we are in public and I just want to get home before I lose my cool, I love being their mom.  And this crazy adventure I am on as a mother all started with my son’s adoption.

All we have to show is this blurry iphone picture because they seriously never stop moving.

Now every year I get to celebrate my family and the way it started.  I get to take a moment to think about the day I signed those papers and how it changed everything and nothing all at the same time.  I get to rejoice in being my kids’ mom and how it happened.  They might not know all the things that are in my heart as we celebrate adoption day, but they do understand that it is a day to celebrate and a day to rejoice in our family and the love we share.

Present not Perfect: My New Mantra for the Holiday Season.

I recently read the book Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist with my moms' group.  One chapter that particularly resonated with me was called "Present not Perfect."  In it the author talked about how sometimes in the holiday season we tend to overdo it.  We overspend, overindulge, and overcommit ourselves.  We often forget what is really important about the season while we are busy putting together the perfect holiday.  We have to buy the perfect gifts, bring the best homemade dishes to parties, and show off our perfectly decorated and cleaned homes. As I read this chapter I found myself laughing and nodding at so many things that I related too. I can’t even begin to explain how frazzled I can get during the holiday season.  The thing that struck me the most was when she wrote about being present with a whole and healthy heart and mind. Instead of showing up to an event frazzled and stressed, all while yelling at our kids to hurry up and not get messy, we should say no to a few things and be truly present in the moment for the things we do agree to take on.  

This year I have decided to do just that.  I am not going to get frazzled or stressed. I am not going to let myself get worked up about being perfect or having the perfect holiday season for my kids.  I have been able to see that no matter what we do my, kids will be happy and we will be making great memories together.  This weekend I actually had the chance to put this into action, and I have to say I surprised myself with how calm I remained and how much more I enjoyed myself.

Each year my family puts on a Christmas party for our close friends and family.  All of the kids make graham cracker houses and then we have a special visitor from Santa, followed by a meal together. This is usually a major source of stress for me. I love doing it, but I panic about the state of my house, which always looks like it has been hit by a hurricane (four little hurricanes to be precise). I panic about having a great spread of food for everyone. I panic about people RSVPing and having enough supplies or presents from Santa to pass out.   Although I have a great time during our party, I am always running around making sure everything is going well, and it is just plain exhausting.

This year I promised myself not to panic.  I decided to let go a little.  I was going to concentrate on being present in the moment instead of striving for perfection.  I realized that my house is a cluttered mess and that is just the way it will be.  I did clean before everyone came over, because let’s face it -- houses do in fact have to get cleaned.  But instead of staying up until all hours of the night scrubbing the house from top to bottom before allowing a single soul to step through the house, I just did some quick cleaning and picking up and let it be at that. I bought almost all of our food -- some sandwich platters, fruit and veggie platters, chips and salsa -- pre-made straight from the grocery store.  The only thing I made from scratch was two soups (potato and butternut squash), which were requested by my family. It was as simple as throwing things on the table when it came time to eat. I bought supplies for houses even for those people who never RSVP'd, instead of worrying about who was coming and who wasn’t.  I figured if people showed up they would be welcomed with open arms, candy for houses and a small gift from Santa.

It's about getting messy and having fun -- my Joe with his mouth full of candy and a hand covered in frosting building his house with his Aunt.

It was hard for me to let go of some of the things I usually obsess over.  I even tried to sit down and eat dinner with some of our friends.  I of course had to get up about ten times (not because I was the hostess, but because I am a mother of four and getting up ten times during a meal is pretty normal for me).  When I took the time to let go and relax, I was able to be present completely. I joked and laughed with our friends.  I marveled at the joy in our children’s eyes as Santa came in the front door.  We have been doing this party with this group of friends for years. We smiled as we watched a little one run up to Santa to be the first one on his lap.  Her mom was shocked since last year she wanted nothing to do with him.  We gathered around and talked about how our kids have grown and changed from year to year.  In past years I may have missed these little moments while my brain was striving for perfection instead of just being present in the moment.

Our friends and family look forward to their yearly picture with Mr. and Mrs. Claus. Lilly is still a little unsure but the boys get so excited.

I was still exhausted because let’s face it -- a big party is still a lot of work, but I was not stressed.  My new mantra had worked for our big Christmas party.  I have several more hurdles to overcome this holiday season that would usually trip my mommy panic triggers.  We have a weekend trip to San Diego and my moms' group Christmas party, but the biggest thing is that the Train family will be on a road trip for Christmas.  We leave in about a week and a half and I would normally be freaking out by now.  Not only because I have to pack for six people for possibly two weeks (oh yeah… did I mention I am not sure exactly how long our trip will be or when we will be coming back?), but it is also over Christmas.  I am truly excited for this trip, but it's a lot of to take this whole crazy show on the road.

I am going to keep telling myself “be present not perfect” over and over again.  I will make plans and pack for our trip, but I am not going to get overly worried about how our holiday will look while we are away from home.  Whatever we do, it will be fantastic.  My little southern California babies are looking forward to seeing and playing in snow.  They will not remember if I spent hours trying to make it the perfect holiday.  They will just remember the time we spend together as a family, and that is what truly matters for me this holiday season.  I will give my family the gift of a less stressed out mom.  I will be present in the moment and enjoy our holiday without worrying about making it perfect.