A Changing Identity Part Three: To Preschool and Beyond.

After surviving the “new mom era” I have felt like I have been in this slow transition to a new me and it comes from changes in our family dynamic.  It’s nothing like the unending feeling of being lost that I felt with infertility.  It’s not this overnight colossal change that being a new mom brought with it.  Instead it has been developing slowly since around the time my twins turned one.

As a mom I know that many changes in me are a result of milestones that my kids meet.  When my twins learned to walk at 8 months and I was chasing three little boys with things to do and trouble to get into I had to learn how to manage them in public (which including becoming a much more patient and relaxed person).  I stopped nursing them at 1 year which all of a sudden gave me way more freedom with my time.  The older they got the more they were able to entertain themselves and I could run to the bathroom from time to time, although it usually resulted in them jumping off the furniture by the time I got back.(again a test of patience) I also became more confident in my abilities to handle three boys.  This was huge for me to be able to say “Kids are happy, husband is happy, things are going great!”

We even added another child into our family and it didn’t change everything as dramatically as those first few years with the boys.  There were some changes.  The day she was born I became a mother of four.  I wasn’t the one with all the babies any more.  I became “the one with the three boys and the little girl.”  But this new title and identity wasn’t as difficult for me to transition too.  I already knew how to be a parent to a large family.  It was just a slightly bigger now.   I had been a mom for almost three years.  I was used to being tired (What are a few more months of night time feedings). I was used to being at home with no time to myself (I never thought going to the bathroom by myself would be a luxury but truly it is).  I was used to being greatly outnumbered during the day while Mr. Train was working (Now I did all the same things but I did it with a baby strapped to my chest).

With my daughter I was over the new mom insecurities and was able to truly enjoy her infancy.

Being a mother has been absolutely, hands down the best part of my life and the most difficult. I never knew how much love I could have until I had these four little ones running around my house.   I worry nonstop about who they will become and how to give them the best that I possibly can and it has changed me.  I have had to learn to be more patient, more selfless, and more forgiving than ever before.  I even began to throw in my own style and truly show my kids who I am separate from being their mom.  They loved going to the marine mammal center I worked at and adopting an elephant seal who happened to be named after us.  They love when we do science experiments, craft projects or themed lessons at home.  Each time I do something like that I am sharing little pieces of myself with them.  Pieces that would not have made much of a difference in those early years of constant feedings and diapers but make a world of difference now.

In the last year or so, as I have watched my kids grow, I have noticed the intensity of what motherhood used to be is dwindling.   My little toddlers and my infant are growing older and my responsibilities are changing.  The boys became potty trained, Lilly weaned, they all stopped using sippy cups.  All of those things have lead to changes in my behavior.  The boys can use the restroom on their own now.  Lilly, who I never got to take a bottle, doesn’t need to be near me every second of the day.  They can get their own water from our refrigerator.  All of these little changes and milestones they reach gives them more independence and takes some of the jobs off of my shoulders.
When all three boys went to preschool last fall it seemed as though a new chapter was really starting.  I walked into their room one day and one of their friends came up to me.  He said “Hi James’ mom, Hi Nick’s mom, Hi Joe’s mom, Hi James’ sisters’ mom. That's a mouth full - you sure have a lot of kids - that’s pretty funny -your house must be like a big play date -can you call my mom so I can come over?”  I don't think he even took a breath.  I laughed and told him he was right I do have a lot of kids and it is fun.  I am James, Joe, Nick and Lilly's mom and I love it.  I have found my stride in this life as  a parent.

I rarely get a picture with everyone looking forward and smiling, but that's life, and this life is good.

But just as I feel like I am hitting my stride I can feel the winds of change again.  Right now I am a preschool mom. I volunteer when I am needed.   I participate in all their events and bring treats to their parties.  Now we have fundraisers, class birthday parties and school events to attend.  Lilly still has three more years before kindergarten but I know from experience those years will speed by before I know it and I will be at home with no kids during the day.

So what now?  I laughed with Mr. Train and told him it’s weird because I feel like I have to decide what I want to be when I grow up…again.  It was easy the first time around.  I wanted to be a biologist so I went to college and got a biology degree.  I wanted to teach biology so I continued in college and got my credential and got a job.  Now I am not so sure. At this point I don’t know what I am going to do when my kids go to school but I do know it's time to starting thinking about my own future.

Saying good bye to those early years is a bitter sweet but really exciting.

I have had some ideas but I don’t know what will work out for our family.  I have considered writing and trying to get some projects published.  I have considered opening an Etsy shop.  I am pretty sure I don’t want to return to the class room but I can always tutor again.  I have a few years before Lilly is in school but I know that will fly by in no time (is the fact that the summer is just around the corner taking anyone else by surprise or just me?) I know I will take on anything that comes my way.  I survived the new mom stage and grew to love my new role.  I am loving life with preschoolers and I am looking forward to the adventures that await us in the elementary school days.   I just can’t help but wonder about what that new chapter will look like and who I will be while we are living it.