Trying to find a good kindergarten in LA

I wrote last time about our school struggles, that ended with all three boys being in preschool together.  It was not our ideal plan (I don’t even want to talk about the finances of tuition for three kids in preschool in Los Angeles…it is ridiculous) but we are making it work and our boys are doing great.  When we got them all settled I took some deep breaths and tried to relax, but I had this looming dark cloud in my mind. At the end of this school year what will we do?

After a few weeks I started looking into all the options in our area and the information is overwhelming. Our district has over 900 schools and 187 public charters.  It used to be so simple -- you either went to your local public school or you paid for private school.  Now in the public school system there are so many options, but none of them are easy to get into because there is a huge demand for the higher performing schools. I have struggled the last few years. I was a product of this school district (and to be honest I think I turned out OK). I was a teacher in this school district. I know there are awesome teachers (some of whom are friends and past colleagues) in all of these schools, but can I risk sending my kids to a school that I don’t feel confident about? It has been torture on my brain and my heart.

So here is some of my research, my thought process and what our current plans are for the coming school year.

P R I V A T E

First we decided that we cannot keep all four kids in private school for the reminder of their education. We simply can’t afford it. We also think that there are enough good teachers and good schools that we can navigate our way through the public school systems. We are looking forward to the day we can stop paying preschool tuition and start saving for their college fund.

H O M E S C H O O L

Second we decided that homeschooling is a possibility, but not one that I think would be the best. I think the twins would be OK homeschooling, but James would have some difficulties.  He gets irritated with me very easily when he gets frustrated. I don’t know if it's because he is with me all the time or what, but he hates taking directions from me in an academic setting.  When I have tried to work with him on writing or reading he just yells at me, but a minute later my mom will walk in and he will ask her to help him write his name.  This used to absolutely drive me nuts! I thought why the heck can’t I teach my son? I am a teacher I should be able to teach anyone. But not my James; he has shown me that on countless occasions.  He will learn so much better from someone other than from me. In the back of my mind there are possibilities if it’s needed.  He can work with my dad or I can pay someone to come and do his homeschooling.  Like I said before, this is a possibility but not top on the list.

P U B L I C

Third we had to start looking into our public school system and finding out what our options are.  This is where it gets very complicated.  There are so many options and opportunities that it is both exciting and overwhelming.  Here are the different options for public schools in our area and how we narrowed it down to what we are aiming for next year.

Neighborhood school:  This is the school that is open to everyone living within a given area.  If you have proof you live in that area (usually with a utility bill in your name) you can go to that school.  In our case this is where we started James last year.  I don’t think the whole school is broken. I think we had a bad experience with a particular teacher, but that doesn't not make it all bad.  Having said that this school is not on the top of my list, but it is a possibility.

Magnets:  Magnet schools are part of a desegregation program created in the 1970’s.  They were made in order to attract students to a school based on a themed curriculum.  Acceptance is based on a complicated points system. Most parents are told to start applying early so that you can build up points to hopefully get your child into a good middle school or high school  We did apply for the one magnet in our area that has a kindergarten program.  The likelihood that they will get in is relatively low.  When they get into 1^st or 2^nd grade the number of magnet programs available will increase, but it may still be several years before we can get into a program.

Open enrollment:  Around April or May schools will announce if they have any open spots in the coming school year.  Families can apply and then there is a lottery for each school.  This could be a possibility for us, but again the chances are very slim that the schools we would want to send them to would have a lot of open enrollment.  Also I am a planner.  It would drive me mad not knowing until mid summer where my kids are going to go the following year.

Schools for Advanced Studies (SAS):  These are small school communities within a normal neighborhood school.  They are specifically designed for children who have tested as gifted and talented and have proven to have above average grades. Well that right there automatically excludes kindergartens.  They have to be tested and prove their proficiency before being allowed to apply for these communities.  I will be looking into these schools in the future but for I don’t know if our kids would qualify. We will have to see how they do in kindergarten first.

Child care permits:  If both parents are working, they can apply for a child care permit if their home school does not offer before or after school care.  I have been told that these permits can be based on where you are working so that your drop offs and pick ups are based on your work address instead of your home address.  I haven’t looked into them much because we don’t qualify since I am not working.

Charter schools:  In my research I found that there are two types of Charters in my area (as if it wasn't tricky already) -- independent and affiliated. Independent Charters are public schools that have been approved by the state of California but don’t necessarily follow the same requirements that other public schools have.  The do have to prove their standards based curriculum and also typically have some sort of theme or innovative teaching techniques that separate them from an ordinary public school.  Each charter has a public lottery and application.  Each school has its own form and its own deadlines. Affiliated charters are a mixture of the district school and a Charter.  They still follow our district curriculum and requirements, but they are free to set their own budgets.  Looking into each school, its curriculum, its application process and its deadlines has been a very daunting task.

O U R  D E C I S I O N

After looking into all of our options we have decided to pursue some of the Charter schools in our area.  The problem is that they are all lottery based.  We have to put our names in and cross our fingers for the best.  Some of the schools offer sibling preference so that the chances of getting all three boys into the same school are higher, but still not guaranteed. I have been filling out and delivering applications for several weeks trying to make sure I apply to as many as possible. The part that drives me crazy is that once the applications are in, I have absolutely no control and I just have to wait several months to find out our status in the lottery.  It could end up being a mad scramble at the end of the summer, or we could get all three boys into one of our top choices and be completely set.

Last year I went into the school year thinking that I had everything set and had no plan B.  It caused me a great deal of stress and heart ache when our plan was not working.  I also had to scramble last minute to figure out what to do. This year I already have my back up in place and have talked to the boys' teachers to see if they agree with my assessment of my children’s needs. During student conferences their teacher told me that James NEEDS the one on one time that many private schools or charters offer.  He has a low frustration point and gives up if he can’t get it perfect.  He often needs someone to sit with him and help him get started on an assignment and boost his confidence.  Nick and Joe LIKE the one on one attention, but will most likely thrive in any academic situations.  They have a drive to learn and please a teacher without reaching that frustration point.   I knew this all along, but it is good to get an outsider's perspective on them as well and helps to cement our plans for next year.

So plan A is that all three boys get into one of the Charters we applied to.  There may be a chance that one or two boys get into a Charter but not the others and we might have some time where they are not in the same schools.  I am not looking forward to that because it will just be a lot of work, but I will do what it takes to give them the best chance at a positive school experience.  So our plan B is if James doesn’t get in, he will continue Kindergarten at our church school where they are all attending preschool.  If either of the twins don’t get in they should be fine at our home school and I will start again next year with applying to magnets and charters until they all get in.  I feel like even though this is a crazy system to navigate that I am trying my hardest to find the best fit for each of my kids and really that is all that I can hope for.

I never dreamed that kindergarten would be as stressful and confusing as it turned out to be.  I wish that our state and district weren’t so broken and I could send them to the school down the street.  I hope that each decision I make on their behalf will prove to be a wise one in the long run.  It is so hard to look at each child and decide what is best for the education when some of it seems like a trial and error process.  Whatever the next year brings us I am ready to face it head on and make the tough choices that need to be made.

What are your education plans for your kids? Have you ever had to divert from your original plan if it didn’t seem to be working out?

Stressing about school and making hard decisions

We had a bumpy start to our school year in August. I never shared it here because I just couldn’t find the right words to express my concerns. I wasn't sure how to handle some of the struggles we have had with our oldest son and school. I was so nervous about the decisions we were making that I just couldn't openly talk about it. I was so stressed this one day when I was meeting a group of friends, one of them asked how I was and I broke into a huge ugly cry about the whole thing. We had a good laugh later about how such a simple question could unleash all those emotions, but clearly I was struggling with it. Once I got our situation under control I just didn’t want to think about it. I felt like I could finally relax and put it all behind me. Now several months later, all those worries are coming back because I am forced to look forward to the upcoming school year.

At this time last year I thought I had this all figured out. The Los Angeles School District just recently changed its birthday deadline for enrollment from December to September. Our oldest son James was born in November, so he would not meet the deadline for traditional Kindergarten. Our twins were born the following July so with the new regulations, they would all be in the same year. However California schools started a program called Transitional Kindergarten (TK). In theory it was a supposed to be like a public pre-K for all the kids who have birthdays in those later months of the year. They would enroll in TK and turn five that fall, then the following year when they would be turning 6, they would be enrolled in traditional Kindergarten.

Knowing this we started James in preschool the year before and were planning on sending him to our public school down the street for TK. While he was in TK, we would enroll the twins in preschool. Then they would all enter Kindergarten together. (Look out schools... here comes the Turner family trio!) We were very comfortable with our plan and it also helped us from having three preschool enrollments to afford.  Well…you know what they say about the best laid plans right?  We were in for a wild couple weeks that completely changed everything.

We attended the orientation for the James’ new school in August the day before his classes started. I was a little worried about the curriculum (I hate saying this, but I was also worried about the teacher). She said in her introduction that TK is just like Kinder; they learn and do all the same things and then those students who need the second year will enroll in Kinder the following year. Whatever they missed or fell behind on they could pick up the second year. The office staff promised that they had a curriculum planned for all levels from never holding a pencil before to already reading and writing, but the teacher had a different plan. They were to start reading and writing sentences and James still struggled with basic letters.

I have always had concerns about James’ education.  He hits all of his milestones on time but at the very last minute, and usually in big leaps forward instead of a showing a gradual progression.  He has been this way since birth. He is a hard working little guy, but things just don't come that easy to him. I knew this class had the potential to be really hard for him and indeed it was. The next two weeks were a nightmare. He came home in tears every day. He had gigantic tantrums (like the crazy scary kind where you think you are in the middle of a demon possession movie) from the time he got home until we had to put him to bed. Each time we tried to attempt doing his homework with him, it just made it worse. I truly felt helpless. I was a teacher and I couldn't teach my son. I couldn't help him get past his frustrations. I cried every night thinking about how I could help him get over this transition period and start adjusting to the new school, but everything I tried just wasn't working.

One day when I went to pick him up and I had a very unsettling interaction with the teacher where she was very condescending to both James and me.  That day I was in tears for most of the afternoon. This just wasn't working and I truly didn't know what to do. We again tried to attempt homework and James told Ray that he wasn’t smart and he couldn’t do the work. My heart shattered and I knew things had to change. No child should be made to feel this way at any point, but especially not in kindergarten. It is the building block for his relationship with education. I didn't want him to hate school and feel bad about himself. It was the last straw and I knew I would not send him back. He is a sensitive child and he just needed a little more attention and care to get him to shine, and he was not going to get it there.

Luckily the twins' preschool allowed us to enroll James as well. I nervously took all three boys the next day to preschool where all three would be in the one pre-k class. The teacher assured me they would be fine and Nick and Joe took James all around the room so he could meet their friends and see all the toys in the room. I sighed a breath of relief. Maybe this was going to be OK. Maybe James would be OK and get some of his confidence back.

First day with all three at preschool.

Over the last few months James has made huge improvements.  I now can say easily that we made the right choice for him.  He just wasn’t ready for kindergarten yet and the Transitional Kindergarten program wasn’t what we thought it would be. He is thriving in this new environment and the twins are as well. I can tell you that the only thing cuter than having a child perform in a preschool holiday show is having three little guys singing their hearts out on stage.

They never stand still so all I ever get are these blurry iphone pictures, but I will cherish them.

I let myself get comfortable and tried not to worry instantly about the coming year. I just wanted a few months of peace, but it didn't last long. This preschool is all well and good, but we simply can’t do private school forever. That ship sailed when we discovered two little buns in the oven five years ago. So now my stress and worry is back up to a high level as we start making our plans for the upcoming school year. I am trying to figure out what will be best for each boy and find a school that I know they could all thrive at. It seems like these are such big decisions now because it sets them up for the rest of their education, and it is truly weighing on my heart. I, like most moms, want what is best for our kids and our family.  Now I am back at the point where I just don't know what the right choice will be.

Next time I will write about our possible plans for kindergarten and how we are figuring out what is best for our little men.

Have you had tough choices with regards to daycare or school for your kids?  How did you know you were making the right choice?

Not all transitions are Traumatic.

When Lilly turned one (yes over a year ago), I started having this panicky feeling in the back of my mind. At one my twins learned how to climb out of their cribs and into each other’s crib. I blogged about it on hellobee a while back. From there is was just a nightmare of toddler beds and horrendous bedtimes and non existent nap times. I feared going through this again more than anything.  Luckily she held off for a bit. I could see her little mind working on how to get out of her baby prison, but she didn’t even try to get her legs over the side.

At a year and a half I came in to get her after nap time and she had one leg over the side and was laying on the edge of her crib.  I told her that was a no no and she needed to stay in her crib and wait for mommy or she would fall. She immediately plopped back into her crib jumping and smiling saying, “no fall mommy, I wait.” I was shocked.  When I told my boys no and stay in bed, they laughed and jumped out. I tell you one girl is way different than three boys, thank goodness!
A few months passed and she didn’t attempt to get out
again. I can’t tell you how relieved I was. Then one day, a month before she turned two, there was no stopping the inevitable.  She wanted to get out and she wanted to do it herself. Three times in a row she was attempting to climb out and got her leg stuck in the slats when she fell down.  We tried telling her no, but clearly it wasn’t’ going to work this time. It was a Sunday afternoon and I just told Mr. Train that we had to bring the toddler bed.

I sat on the couch and cried. Of course Mr. Train thought it was because my baby girl was meeting one more milestone, marking the inevitable passing of time. (Ok so that may have caused some of the tears… my last baby is not a baby anymore.) But when he asked what was wrong, I simply sobbed, “Do you remember how hard this was?  Do you remember how miserable bed time was? Do you remember how they built slides out of their mattresses and bounced off the furniture like monkeys?”
He just laughed and went about dismantling her crib.  I was terrified.  I was so convinced that it would be a nightmare to get her used to the big girl bed because the boys were so much trouble.

We tried to make it special for her, even though it was a bit spur of the moment.  For the boys we took a day to make their new beds and buy them a new blanket and toy.  Then we surprised them with their new room.  Since Lilly was watching us take down her crib during what should have been her nap time, there really was no surprise.  Instead, we took out a blanket my sister had given us that she had never seen (that counts a new right?). It was a bright pink silky princess blanket so she was super excited. As soon as we put the blanket on the bed, she jumped in bed with her pretend phone and called Grandma to tell her she had a new bed. We also took her to Target to pick out a new dolly to take to bed with her that night in her new big girl bed. She seemed very excited and I tried to keep a positive attitude.

2 going on 13…. it’s a little scary.

That night we changed our routine a bit.  Instead of reading a story on the couch, we took her into her bedroom to read so she could have some time in her room with us.  After stories and a lullaby, we told her to put her head down and stay in bed.  She got up a few times and laughed as she ran back into her room.  Mr. Train said he would put up a baby gate if she came out again.  She did and up the gate went.  She of course threw a gigantic fit about the gate blocking her doorway. Mr. Train explained if she  got in bed and stayed in bed, he would take it down. He stated it so simply as if he were talking to a rational adult instead of a tantrum throwing toddler.  To our surprise she turned the fit off said, “OK daddy” and went back to bed.
That was the end of it.  She sat in bed looking at a book for about 10 minutes, then covered herself up and fell asleep.

Picking out her special new doll for bedtime.

I was dumbfounded to say the least.  I knew this was just a lucky first night and at some point she would make me miserable for months of bed times. That night never came.  She has been a great little girl and taken to her big girl bed quite easily.  There are some nights when she throws a bit of a fit (usually when she is overtired), but then when she calms down she reads to herself for a bit and lays down.  She does like to take every blanket, pillow, doll and stuffed animal that she owns to bed.  If we disturb her little nest, she gets very agitated.  So we wait for her to fall asleep and then uncover her from her mounds of toys so she actually has room on her bed to move a bit.  We came in one night and she was literally covered from neck to feet in stuffed animals and six different blankets.  We could barely see her little face peeking out from under all her friends.

My little sweetheart sleeping soundly.

I am just shocked that this transition was not the traumatizing mess that it was with the boys.  All that worry and stress was for nothing and I admit I feel a little foolish.  She really pleasantly surprised me.  Next event to tackle is potty training (which was also a bit daunting with the three boys). Wish me luck!

How did you transition your little one to a bed?  How did It go?

Olympic activities for the kids

I am so excited for the Olympics to start.  I don’t know what it is, but I have always loved the Olympics since I was a little girl.  I love the sports and all the back stories on the athletes.  I love cheering for our country and hoping that they place.  I just all around love it. During the 2012 Olyimpcs we were traveling and at 2 years old my kids, weren’t all that interested.  This year they have more of an understanding of sports and athletes and I am hoping to share some of my excitement with them.

We just got back from Park City and now I regret not showing them around the Olympic Park there. We have been watching some clips of the various events on the official Olympics website and on Youtube. Apparently my description of the luge and curling was not descriptive enough and they needed to see it in action.  It has helped to raise their awareness and enthusiasm for this world event.

For the opening ceremony and throughout the games, I like to explore the cuisine of the country that is hosting the games. In this case the games are being held in Sochi, Russia. I have to admit I know very little about traditional Russian cuisine.  We are also going to be traveling down to San Diego the day of the opening ceremonies, and I am not sure if I will have full control over our dinner. So for now I am planning on trying to find a fun bread or desert to bring with us, and then make some other dishes throughout the two weeks. I found this website called Ruscuisine which I have been looking through and trying to figure out what I could make. I also looked up recipes on All Recipes and was thinking about trying Beef Stroganoff, Pierogi, sweet cabbage or Chicken kiev

In addition to trying new foods, I want to do some activities that will engage the kids and get them excited.  Also it's a bonus if I can get them to write and practice their letters which we are struggling with a bit at our house.


Arts & Crafts
1. Making an Olympic Torch: This seems like a very easy project and one that can be used for pretend play afterwards. I know my kids will enjoy making them and doing some relays with them in the front yard.

2. Olympic ring toilet paper roll stamps: This is an easy project to set up and I already have everything I need. I know the kids will end up stamping circles all over the paper and not make a perfect Olympic ring picture, but I thought it would be a good activity anyways.  We can discuss the rings and how they came to be the symbol that is used today.

 

3.  Coloring in the flags of some of the participating nations. I simply dd a search for printable flags and found a lot of different sites that have free coloring sheets. I am going to string up the flags we color and make a banner in our living room so we can talk about the different countries represented in the events we might watch on TV.

4. Coloring sheets for winter sports. I don’t know if you can tel,l but my kids love to color. I am probably going to use watercolors for these so that we vary our projects a bit. I am also hoping to help them work on their letters by having them write the names of the different events while we color them in. If I sit down and tell them we are going to work on writing they refuse; if I tell them we are going to learn about skiing and how to spell it, they might pay a little more attention.

Games and activities

1. Toy event competitions. I have seen many websites depicting Olympic sports with various toys. I saw some bobsleds with stuffed animals and little people skiers, but I think my favorite was this Thomas ski jump. I have to admit it might be because the kids love the ski jump so much, or because I am fascinated by the challenge of making this track. Joe has informed me that he is going to be a ski jumper when he grows up. I think that kid has a need for speed.

2. Mini Ice Hockey: I found this activity that is set up for a preschool setting, so I think I need to down scale the size a little bit. I think I am going to freeze a cookie tray for our ice hockey set up and then let the kids play together.

3. Indoor ice skating: This one used wax paper and tape to wrap up the kids feet and let them “skate” around the living room. We have carpet in our living room but I think we could have some fun when we go down to visit with my in laws. I also thought we could put some tissue boxes on their feet and let them slide on the carpet. I am not sure exactly how I am going to execute this one yet, but I know they will have a great time sliding around.

I hope to come up with some more ideas to keep my kids active and involved with the Olympics for the week before and the two weeks they are going on. Now that the boys are in preschool, I find that sometimes I get in a rut of the everyday grind and I think these fun activities are just what we need to liven things up a bit.

Do you do anything special in your house when the Olympics are on?

Big Boys and Kisses

To my surprise and amazement, my sweet little baby James has miraculously sprouted into a full blown little kid. One day I asked him how school was and gave him a kiss on the cheek, and it was like I had thrown acid on his face. He threw himself to the floor clawing at his face screaming. I thought maybe something bad had happened at school, but to my horror and dismay he was screaming, “No kisses, No Mommy I didn’t want a kiss.”

My jaw dropped to the floor. He was throwing this fit because I kissed his cheek. His desperate swipes at his face were because I had done something that I had done a million times before. It was like my heart was torn in a thousand pieces.

I don’t know how it happened but he is a big kid now.

When he finally calmed down, I was able to get him to tell my why he reacted that way. He told me that he was a big boy and didn’t always need a kiss. I wanted to just crumble but I knew I needed to address this issue in a way that both of us could handle. He claimed he didn’t want ANY more kisses EVER… and there is no way in this world that I was going to stop. It seemed as though we were at an impasse. Here are the things I have figured out to combat this stubborn no kissing streak he has been on.

1. Any time he wipes off a kiss I just tell him, “Oh good, you can just wipe that off and keep it until later.” He laughs and says, “No I don’t want to get it later.” We go back and forth about keeping it safe for later. Sometimes when he thinks I am not looking, he puts that little kiss back on and I can hear him giggling as I walk away.

2. I ask for hugs and kisses. If he says yes, then I am good and I go in for a big smooch on the cheek. If he says no I tell him, “OK, I won’t give you any kisses… how about just a hug?” I can usually get hugs out of him even when he is not in the mood, so that’s not too bad. When I don’t try to give him kisses all the time, he actually misses them a bit and will often come to me and ask for a kiss. It is a very difficult part of motherhood. Eventually our little ones grow and don’t need us as much. It is a hard pill to swallow but I am working on it.

3. If he is in a good mood we play sticky kiss. I kiss my hand and plant it right on his cheek and say, “Sticky kiss.” As he wildly tries to wipe it off, I just remind him that it is still there and I can see it. He tries and tries to wipe it off and I just keep putting more on. He will run to the mirror and insist it is gone only to have me tell him it is still there and there is nothing he can do about it. It usually ends up in a big tickle fight. Every now and then he even comes up and gives me a sticky kiss first. (We are working on gently patting someone’s face vs smacking them; I have had a few big slaps recently as he grows in size and strength)

4. I told him about a mother’s first kiss. Now I must admit… I just made this one up but he really remembers it and asks me about it a couple of times a week. I told him that whenever a mother kisses her child for the first time, there is a mark left on the spot that only moms can see. It is a forever kiss because it is full of all the love a mother feels while she is waiting to meet each of her children. Every couple of days he says, “mommy where did you kiss me when I was a baby?” I lovingly touch his forehead and tell him it is still there and always will be. Sometimes he smiles and walks away and other times he curls up with me for some snuggles and asks about when he was born and how much I prayed for him.

He may be a big boy but he still needs his mamma every now and then.

I know that as my children grow older things will change. Snuggles will be less frequent and kisses may be off limits in public, but for now James and I have come to a compromise that we are both happy with. As my children age I know I have to change. I am not the mother of four precious little babies any more. I am the mother of four beautiful children and they are growing up. Sometimes it is a little faster than I would like and it takes me off guard. I have yet to figure out how to stop time but I know most moms would if they could, just for a moment, just to savor those precious times and let it really sink in. So now each time I kiss my big boy I savor that time with him. They are a gift and I appreciate every single one.

The Husband Project

A few months ago, well honestly it was longer than that (it takes me forever to write about things) a book was brought up in my MOPS (Mother’s of Preschoolers) group.  Another mom had mentioned the book The Husband Project by Kathi Lipp and that she needed a group of other women to read the book together as it is recommended by the author.  I joined the group with several other woman and we began our journey together.

When I heard the title at first I kind of laughed.  The husband project made me think it was a book about “fixing” our husbands or getting them to do what we want or something silly like that, but it really was about fixing ourselves and being a better wife for our husbands.  The full title of the book is The Husband Project: 21 Days of Loving Your Man on Purpose and with a Plan.  The basis of the book is to remind women that in the midst of our busy lives, we often forget to put our relationships as a top priority and it gives a small daily task to help strengthen the relationship.

He is a wonderful husband and this seemed like a great opportunity to remind him how much I appreciate him *

I know that many of us moms and wives have similar complaints or struggles in our marriages.  I know that because many of my friends have felt or do feel the same way that I have felt many times in my marriage.  As a newly married couple, we were able to spend all of our energy and time with each other.  Then along comes this other little person, or in my case three little people, who can’t do anything for themselves and our marriage can go from top of our priority list to the bottom.

When James was first born I thought I had it all under control.  I was taking care of him, the house and my husband. Then a month later I was miserably pregnant and sick.  There were three screaming babies that needed my attention all the time.  There were days when I was in the early stages of infancy with my boys when Mr. Train would come home and harmlessly say, “Are there plans for dinner tonight?” and I would want to pounce on him like a bear and growl, “last I checked you know how to make your own dang grilled cheese sandwich; figure it out!”

I know... not pretty... but I think a lot of us wives and mothers have been there.  There are evenings where there is absolutely nothing left to give to my husband.  When the kids have been clawing at me all day and screaming, “I want… I need… do this…”  I just feel depleted.  It doesn't have to be kids that can do this.  It could be stress at a job or family troubles, or maintaining the house.  There are so many things that pull women in 800 different directions, it is so easy to forget to put work into our marriages.

So my friends and I set up a facebook group to discuss the book and help each other through challenges. It is a three week challenge and each day the author gives a project.  Not all of us had the book so a few of us posted the projects a week at a time.  It worked for everyone, but I think reading the whole book was helpful because it gave more ideas and reasons behind doing each project.  The author is a Christian author so there are daily prayers as well, but I think anyone whether they are religious or not could read and participate in the projects.  Each day we would report back about what we did and how it was received.  I should say if you do form a support group, you need to be comfortable enough with each other to talk about or share intimate subjects.

Most of us were able to keep up with the projects and keep it secret from our husbands.  We chatted with each other about the difficulties we faced and how we solved them.  Some of the women had men traveling for part of the time and we figured out how to help each other with these little projects.  Some of us swapped baby sitting nights. Some of the challenges were more involved than others.  Some seemed easy enough but when it came down to it, ended up being difficult.  Here is an example of some of the projects.

- Give him 30 minutes of free time when he gets off work.
- Do something he enjoyed before you were married.
- Say something nice about your husband to someone else.
- Send a flirty text.
- Help your husband get a chore done.
- Wear something that you know he likes.
- Get rid of one article of clothing that you know he hates.
- Tell him you think he is attractive today.
- Cook his favorite meal.
There was also a bonus project each week to initiate sex at least once in the week.

While I was reading the book I kept thinking to myself, wow it would be nice if he did these things for me, but that was not the point.  I kept having to remind myself that I wasn't doing any of these projects because I wanted him to notice I was doing them.  I didn't need recognition or return favors.  The whole point was to just put our relationships at the top of the list sometimes, whether they are doing it in return or not.

Once we got started, we each shared our ideas and how our husbands reacted (if they reacted).  It was helpful to have someone to share our thoughts with throughout the process.  Some of the tasks were easy like I got rid of my nursing bras (it had been months since I had weaned Lilly) and Mr. Train saw and he was thrilled.  I knew he was not a fan because when laundry day came around and I happened to wear one, he made a comment and a weird face.  I knew it was time to trash them.  Some of the ones I had trouble with were things like sending a flirty text, or giving compliments.  I know they seem simple, but it’s not really in my personality to be particularly flirty, or I would get to the end of the day and I realized I hadn't complimented him yet.  It really opened my eyes to how often I can go the whole day without doing things on purpose to show that I love him.

If I want to do what's best for my kids I have to do what's best for my marriage which includes putting my husband higher on my priority list.*

At the end of the three weeks, I noticed that not only was I doing things to show my love but it was definitely being reciprocated on Mr. Train’s side.  He didn't’ know I was reading a book that was telling me to do simple things; he was just reacting to the things I did.  When I told him he looked nice in a dress shirt and jeans the next time we went out to dinner, he took the time to put on a dress shirt instead of his normal t shirt and shorts.  When I gave him 30 minutes of free time (although I did it at bedtime instead of when he came home) a few days later, he did the same thing for me. When I made a little change to my mommy uniform of jeans, t shirt and sloppy pony tail, he noticed and complimented me. It helped me to see that my initial reaction of thinking "well why isn’t he doing some of these things for me" was a little silly.  We aren't doing them for each other and someone might as well get the ball going.  I didn't mind at all that it was me and a book telling me exactly what to do.

A month or so after it was done, I fessed up to the project and he laughed at first.  He wanted to know if he was some sort of an experiment or if he was being compared to other husbands.  I assured him that no one was taking notes or comparing husbands; that wasn't the point.  He just laughed and said, “well if it made you give me a back rub, throw out your nursing bras, and get new pajamas I guess  I’m OK with it.”
I loved reading it and participating with my friends.  We supported each other and it helped rekindle our relationships with our husbands.  She has a few other books like The Get Yourself Organized Project and The Me Project that I am interested in trying.

Would you ever consider reading a book or participating in something like this to rekindle your relationship?
* photo by Heather Ikei

Winter trip 2013: Part 5 Arizona

The last leg of our trip was in Arizona to visit Ray's Grandparents.  They were celebrating their 65th wedding anniversary and it was New Years Eve.  While we were there we had the opportunity to visit with Ray's cousin for a bit which was great.

We had another 5 hour drive to get from Las Vegas to Arizona but the kids did pretty well.  We ended up not stopping for lunch and instead giving each kid a Lunchable.  I will admit it makes my stomach churn to think of the crappy meat and cheese that are in those things but hey, it was food and it came in their own tray so they were able to eat on the go.   When we finally arrived they were so excited to get out of the car.  They had been waiting for so long to be able to ride their scooters from Santa.  It was all that was on their minds.  Luckily they were right under their seats so it was they were pretty easy to find.

Finally getting to really test out their scooters.

After their initial scooter fest we were able to get them to come say hi to everyone and I think Joe developed a little crush.  Ray's cousin was visiting from Brazil with his fiance.  She was all Joe could think about.  They colored together and flew paper airplanes.  When we went back to our condo Joe wanted to make sure he had his plane that they made together so they could play the next day.  She was such a good sport for humoring them and playing non stop.

Some times the best picture is the silly face picture.

We spent the whole next day just hanging out at Ray's Grandparent's house.  The kids were amazed that Great Grandpa had a fountain in the backyard and kept wanting to play with it.  We also spent a fair amount of time having scooter and running races around the cul de sac.  We had been doing so much traveling and driving they just needed to go bonkers. Joe of course got to spend more time with his new crush who again was a fantastic sport and played non stop.

Lilly and James tackled Ray in the drive way!

We all went out to dinner.  Ray's cousins would be leaving the next morning so we wanted to make sure we got to spend as much time with them before we went to take the kids to sleep.  Joe and Nick of course wanted to sit next to their lovely new friend.  James was happy to sit next to Ray's cousin but ended up jumping to several other seats throughout the dinner.  When we were getting ready to leave for the evening and take the kids to bed Joe was so sad that he wasn't going to be able to fly airplanes with Paula the next day.  They drew a picture together that had all the things they had done together over the last couple of days.  It is now in a plastic page protector so he can keep it forever.  As he was going to bed he told his grandpa that maybe he could go to visit her in Brazil but first he would need a map and a lot of pajamas.  I just love the way they think, it is absolutely adorable.

Enjoying a night out with their new friend!

The next day was New Years Eve.  For a treat we decided to go to the movies.  The kids have been begging to see Frozen again so Ray's parents took the kids while we went with his Grandparents to go see Saving Mr. Banks.  It was a fantastic movie.  It was also nice to be able to sit and watch a movie without being interrupted 100 times.

On our way home we stopped to pick up some supplies for a great New Years Eve/Anniversary party.  I love to just have some silly things for the kids to make the evening more eventful, so its not the same as any other night.  So I bought some cheap paper hats, glasses and noise makers for everyone.  My kids don't make it to midnight and honestly it has been awhile since I have watched the ball drop at midnight.  Instead we have a regular dinner then break out the party supplies and have an extra special dessert.  This time I got a cake for Ray's Grandparents and made a sundae bar for New Years.  The kids got a small slice of cake then they got to build their sundae with three choices of ice cream and a bunch of toppings.

I always make them take a family picture with me, someday they might appreciate it!

Happy New Years with Grandparents and Great Grandparents.  These are lucky kids

I just can't get enough of my boys the three small ones and the big one!

They were good sports for putting on the hats and headbands.  Happy New Years and Happy 65th wedding Anniversary!

Noise maker battle with Grandpa

I can't explain it I just love this one!

Cheers! To a great New Year and to 65 years of marriage.

The kids had a great time celebrating and I think it's so amazing for them to be able to celebrate with four generations of family members.  They are very lucky kids

Just a sweet moment between Lilly and Great Grandpa

The next morning we were on our way home. It was a long and excruciating drive.  I think all of us were just ready to be home.  It took me weeks to catch up on laundry and obviously a month to get all of our adventures posted but it was worth it.  The kids have been playing "Utah" ever since and want to go back to play in the snow.  I love building memories with our family.  It is one of my great joys as a mother.