A Changing Identity Part Three: To Preschool and Beyond.

After surviving the “new mom era” I have felt like I have been in this slow transition to a new me and it comes from changes in our family dynamic.  It’s nothing like the unending feeling of being lost that I felt with infertility.  It’s not this overnight colossal change that being a new mom brought with it.  Instead it has been developing slowly since around the time my twins turned one.

As a mom I know that many changes in me are a result of milestones that my kids meet.  When my twins learned to walk at 8 months and I was chasing three little boys with things to do and trouble to get into I had to learn how to manage them in public (which including becoming a much more patient and relaxed person).  I stopped nursing them at 1 year which all of a sudden gave me way more freedom with my time.  The older they got the more they were able to entertain themselves and I could run to the bathroom from time to time, although it usually resulted in them jumping off the furniture by the time I got back.(again a test of patience) I also became more confident in my abilities to handle three boys.  This was huge for me to be able to say “Kids are happy, husband is happy, things are going great!”

We even added another child into our family and it didn’t change everything as dramatically as those first few years with the boys.  There were some changes.  The day she was born I became a mother of four.  I wasn’t the one with all the babies any more.  I became “the one with the three boys and the little girl.”  But this new title and identity wasn’t as difficult for me to transition too.  I already knew how to be a parent to a large family.  It was just a slightly bigger now.   I had been a mom for almost three years.  I was used to being tired (What are a few more months of night time feedings). I was used to being at home with no time to myself (I never thought going to the bathroom by myself would be a luxury but truly it is).  I was used to being greatly outnumbered during the day while Mr. Train was working (Now I did all the same things but I did it with a baby strapped to my chest).

With my daughter I was over the new mom insecurities and was able to truly enjoy her infancy.

Being a mother has been absolutely, hands down the best part of my life and the most difficult. I never knew how much love I could have until I had these four little ones running around my house.   I worry nonstop about who they will become and how to give them the best that I possibly can and it has changed me.  I have had to learn to be more patient, more selfless, and more forgiving than ever before.  I even began to throw in my own style and truly show my kids who I am separate from being their mom.  They loved going to the marine mammal center I worked at and adopting an elephant seal who happened to be named after us.  They love when we do science experiments, craft projects or themed lessons at home.  Each time I do something like that I am sharing little pieces of myself with them.  Pieces that would not have made much of a difference in those early years of constant feedings and diapers but make a world of difference now.

In the last year or so, as I have watched my kids grow, I have noticed the intensity of what motherhood used to be is dwindling.   My little toddlers and my infant are growing older and my responsibilities are changing.  The boys became potty trained, Lilly weaned, they all stopped using sippy cups.  All of those things have lead to changes in my behavior.  The boys can use the restroom on their own now.  Lilly, who I never got to take a bottle, doesn’t need to be near me every second of the day.  They can get their own water from our refrigerator.  All of these little changes and milestones they reach gives them more independence and takes some of the jobs off of my shoulders.
When all three boys went to preschool last fall it seemed as though a new chapter was really starting.  I walked into their room one day and one of their friends came up to me.  He said “Hi James’ mom, Hi Nick’s mom, Hi Joe’s mom, Hi James’ sisters’ mom. That's a mouth full - you sure have a lot of kids - that’s pretty funny -your house must be like a big play date -can you call my mom so I can come over?”  I don't think he even took a breath.  I laughed and told him he was right I do have a lot of kids and it is fun.  I am James, Joe, Nick and Lilly's mom and I love it.  I have found my stride in this life as  a parent.

I rarely get a picture with everyone looking forward and smiling, but that's life, and this life is good.

But just as I feel like I am hitting my stride I can feel the winds of change again.  Right now I am a preschool mom. I volunteer when I am needed.   I participate in all their events and bring treats to their parties.  Now we have fundraisers, class birthday parties and school events to attend.  Lilly still has three more years before kindergarten but I know from experience those years will speed by before I know it and I will be at home with no kids during the day.

So what now?  I laughed with Mr. Train and told him it’s weird because I feel like I have to decide what I want to be when I grow up…again.  It was easy the first time around.  I wanted to be a biologist so I went to college and got a biology degree.  I wanted to teach biology so I continued in college and got my credential and got a job.  Now I am not so sure. At this point I don’t know what I am going to do when my kids go to school but I do know it's time to starting thinking about my own future.

Saying good bye to those early years is a bitter sweet but really exciting.

I have had some ideas but I don’t know what will work out for our family.  I have considered writing and trying to get some projects published.  I have considered opening an Etsy shop.  I am pretty sure I don’t want to return to the class room but I can always tutor again.  I have a few years before Lilly is in school but I know that will fly by in no time (is the fact that the summer is just around the corner taking anyone else by surprise or just me?) I know I will take on anything that comes my way.  I survived the new mom stage and grew to love my new role.  I am loving life with preschoolers and I am looking forward to the adventures that await us in the elementary school days.   I just can’t help but wonder about what that new chapter will look like and who I will be while we are living it.

A changing Identity Part 2: The New mom Days.

In my last post I talked about my identity before having kids. Those few years before I became a mother were some of the darkest I have known, and I struggled a great deal.  I thought the solution to finding myself would be to become a mother.  I knew once I became a mother that I would be able to find myself again.

I had no idea how much being a new mom would completely change my life.  Although I was nervous about my new role, I was confident in my abilities. I had been around babies — I knew how to feed, change and soothe a baby, but I had no idea how all consuming motherhood would be.  We were parents and it was our job to raise this little person… no pressure or anything. Yikes!
In the early weeks James had some reversed sleeping patterns.  He was up and alert in the middle of the night.  I was starting to get more and more tired as the days went on. I was constantly covered in stinky formula spit up and my hair was in a ratty pony tail or messy bun (that may still be part of my identity today…try not to judge me too harshly please). I still had plans to return to my teaching career in a year.   I had three high school students that I was tutoring which kept me connected to my education background. I wasn’t really looking forward to going back to work because I loved being at home with my little guy, but I knew it was a part of the plan and I had that in my head as the way it would be. I wasn’t too overwhelmed.  I even may have had some times where I thought, “Hey I’ve got this, we are good.”

But I was about to get some news that would change everything, and practically overnight.  James was 8 weeks old when a nurse practitioner told me that not only was I pregnant, but it was twins. James would be somewhere between 8 and 9 months old. I am not proud of my initial reactions. I FLIPPED OUT!  No joke… the doctors tell their patients my story to make them feel better when they are emotional about news they get.


I would have three babies all within a year of each other.  It changed every plan we thought we had in place. My salary would not even come anywhere near covering the cost of three infant day cares. I would not be returning to work the following year. I was very excited at the idea of being a stay at home mom on a permanent basis, but it meant I had to accept some changes.  That quirky science teacher who loves nerdy things was going to have to take a hiatus or possibly disappear all together.  Oh yeah… and it also meant I would be parenting three infants by myself for about 9 hours a day, 5 days a week.  That was terrifying and made the thought of working out of the home seem not so bad.

My nerdy science teacher may have been coming out a bit. Yes in fact his shirt does say bacteria are our friend.

It was odd that in one day the direction of my life came to a halt and I had no idea where it would go from there.  People would ask me all the time if I would be returning to work.   I received a wide range of reactions to my career status.  The supportive comments were nice, things like it’s the best thing you can do to stay at home and have that time with your kids.  But then there were the not so nice things like I am wasting my education, I won’t ever be satisfied until I go back to work, and believe it or not I was told that at least I was just a teacher instead of a lawyer or doctor or something important… ouch.  The variety of reactions all added to the difficulties of navigating through this new territory.

I don’t think I am alone in this path of acceptance of a new self. I have talked to a lot of moms and so many have trouble with this part of their identity. And it is not just stay at home parents. I think whether you are going into work each day or staying at home, life is different as parents.  From the moment that bump starts showing, or in our case once the home study was finalized, part of who we are changes. The way people see us is different.  No matter what choice we make, there are always going to those who are our champions and cheer us on. Then there will be those who make us doubt our choices with hurtful or insensitive comments.

While I had about 6 months to adjust to the idea of twins being added to our family, the day it actually happened had a huge impact on who I am. Before that day I was a new mom. I was James’ mommy. The change started as I was heading to the OR to deliver my twins. The nurse asked, “Are you the one with the 8 month old? Well god bless you, you will have your hands full.”
I laughed it off and didn’t think much of it, but that day was not only the birth of my twins, it was the start of this new part of me.  This is the same for every mother the day another child is added to the family.  Who we were is never going to be the same.  I was never going to be just James’ mom again.

One week as a family of five.

I  became that mom… you know… the one with all the babies. Not only was I trying to figure out how to live as a mother of three babies, but wherever I went I drew attention. I had to get used to comments being made to me about the number of children I had. I think the one I remember the clearest was a day that I was at the grocery store with my triple stroller, looking like your stereotypical raggedy stay at home mom. I was unshowered, with messy hair, probably some spit up stains on my clothes, huge dark bags under my eyes and carting around three infants.  Besides my disheveled appearance, the kids were being good. We had walked to the store so they were all quiet and asleep.  A man came up to me and said, “I hope you figured out how to turn that baby machine off!  You have more than you can handle now.”

My jaw hit the floor and if I had had more than 6 hours total sleep in the previous week, I may have been able to come up with some witty retort about the state of uterus and vagina being none of his business.  Sadly I just uncomfortably laughed, said yeah and walked off feeling horrible about myself and furious at this bold stranger who had no business even thinking about my baby machine.

Meetings like this would make me upset until I realized that each time I had to defend my family and defend my children, it built me into the mother that I am. Sure I got overwhelmed. Sure there were times when Mr. Train came home to a chaotic messy house with three crying babies and even sometimes a crying wife.  Sure there were some weeks in there that my personal hygiene was questionable, but each moment that I spent with my boys I grew to love my title of the lady with all those babies.  I was James, Joe and Nick’s mom and I was proud of that.  The title became a part of me.  I was able to find humor in those awkward situations when people asked me how old the three boys were and tried to do some math in their heads to figure out if it was even biologically possible.

I was able to eventually love being that lady with all the babies

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I don’t know when the term “new mom” stops counting, but I think I was in that new mom phase until my twins were about 1. That would be a year and nine months of motherhood before I truly felt like I was getting a hold of my new life.  Almost two years before I was able to find comfort in my new role.  Mr. Train once told me, as we were lying in bed getting ready to go to sleep, “It’s nice to have you back.”  It really was nice to have a little bit of me back.  It wasn’t entirely the old me, but pieces of me mixed in with this mother of three self.  I would never be the newlywed science teacher that I was a few years back.  I didn’t want to be that person again.  I was finding my way in my new life and it was a relief.

A Changeing Identity Part One: Before I Was A Mom

A few weeks back my MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group had a video and discussion about identity and how it changes throughout our lives, especially after becoming a parent.  As we were discussing at our table, I realized just how many of us had struggled or were currently struggling with our changing identities.  We shared our own experiences and I realized I could distinctly break mine into three parts: pre mother, new mother and my current self.  I think these are all natural shifts that most, if not all, parents have to adapt to.

Throughout my entire childhood I knew what I wanted to be.  I wanted to be a biologist. I’m not kidding — I remember in the first grade drawing a whale with my Grandma and telling her I was going to study animals when I grew up. It was just who I was. It continued through middle school and into high school when I chose to go to a school at a magnet connected to the Los Angeles Zoo. I was confident about wanting to study biology and I knew I was either going to be a zookeeper or a biology teacher. (Although one teacher who was a particular inspiration to me told me teaching a bunch of high school kids was very much like working with a bunch of monkeys.)

I went off to college to work on my biology degree and make my final decisions for my career. I worked at a marine mammal center to get the needed experience and I absolutely loved it.  I got the chance to bottle feed and hold a napping sea lion (until he outgrew my lap). I held an elephant seal while a vet did surgery on his eye about 6 inches from my face (fascinating but also disgusting).  I loved it all but I think my favorite part was talking to the kids who came to visit our center.  The joy on their faces as we talked about marine mammals and all their neat adaptations sealed the deal.  I was going to be a teacher.  I was confident in my choice and I knew exactly who I was and who I was going to be.

Before I was a mother, working in my field and loving every minute of it.

I worked as a teacher for a year and loved it!  I was passionate about my subject and passed that on to my students.  I was that nerdy science teacher in the lab coat that got excited about everything from DNA forensics to fossils. But then I got the fever, and I got it bad.  Mr. Train and I were recently married and baby fever took over.  All of our plans for waiting a bit were out the window and I was ready.  Unfortunately, as some other people can attest to, when having a baby doesn’t work right away it can become all consuming.  For the first time in my life I struggled with my identity.

This is really a hard pill to swallow for someone who has been sure of themselves since the 1^st grade.  I was consumed with timing and symptom spotting and just praying that I could possibly be pregnant. Then came the fertility treatments and I was completely lost. The young passionate teacher was gone and I was overcome with medications, trigger shots, horrendous hormone swings and incredible disappointments.  I think out of all the times in my life, this was the hardest for me to cope with. I had no idea who I was anymore or who I was going to be. I had this aching desire to be a mother, and for the first time in my life it wasn’t something I could work towards or succeed at. The version of me that I knew and loved had vanished and I struggled to see how I could ever find myself again.  Sure, I went to work every day but I couldn’t concentrate as well and my excitement for my subject matter was minimal.

Then one day a young woman placed her son in my arms and called him mine. From that moment on everything changed. Everything seemed right. I was no longer struggling with this idea of never becoming a mother. I took a year away from my career to take care of this beautiful little boy, but I would be back. I felt like I was at peace. I was happy, but really I still had no idea who this new me would turn out to be. The turmoil I felt from infertility was gone, but I had no idea what to expect from this new life.  Sometimes I look at pictures of myself and just think “Oh mama, you don’t even know… you just don’t even know how this life is about to change.”

The joy of being a mother changed me forever

Were you confident about yourself and your identity before having kids?  Was there a time that you struggled with who you were?

Something in the closet

In our house we have had an ongoing infestation.  Well not our whole house, just the closets.  It’s not something we can call an exterminator for.  Mr. Train and I unfortunately cannot win this battle and I fear it will continue to plague our house for years.  Some nights it is out of control and other nights it goes completely unnoticed. These pests are very difficult to fight because Mr. Train and I cannot see them. No matter how many times we are brought into the kids’ room by shrill cries of fear, we cannot catch them.   Yes it is true… we have, and have had for over 2 years, monsters in our closets.

I don’t know how it happened or why these swarms seem to arise in every child’s room, but inevitably it does. There are all varieties of monsters that can take any number  of forms. Ours started with the Grinch. James came out and told me the Grinch scared him.  I said OK we don’t have to read any books or watch the videos with the Grinch.  He told me it wasn’t THAT Grinch that scared him — it was the Grinch in his closet.  Mr. Train and I laughed a little bit.  Unfortunately at the time we didn’t realize how bad this invasion would get.  We were new to the realm of closet monsters although we both suffered from them as children. We tried our best to remember those times when we were so scared of our closets and come up with the best tactics for monster fighting.

These are the ways we have been handling our monsters.

1.    Telling them there are no monsters
Umm…..this did not work.  You might be able to try it, but with ours this was not even a possible answer.  No matter what we said there was no convincing them that monsters were not in their closet.  We opened the closet door and showed them every inch.  We climbed in the closet to show them there was nothing in there.  We shined flashlights in during the night, but those pesky monsters know to hide from us and there was going to be no room for rationalizations.

2.     Giving in and telling stories about the monsters.  
First it started with Mr. Train catching the Grinch and putting him in the trash can on trash day so he could get back to the dump on Mount Crumpit.  Unfortunately Mr. Train’s tactic didn’t work.  That sneaky Grinch found his way back to the very same closet we had removed him from. What are the odds right?

Sometimes we had grand crusades with swords in hands and our battle armor ready as we stormed the bedroom to fight off any monsters.  This happened to be one of the boy’s favorite games for awhile.  I have stormed the closet more times than I care to admit wearing child’s size armor dress up clothes, often with Lilly in my arms waving her own sword.  (There are no pictures of these events but I am sure you can imagine the ridiculousness of the scene.)

3.    Monster Spray
This was something that was ingrained in my mind from my childhood.  When I was tormented by closet monsters, my mom used Monster Spray. Luckily enough she is right next door and was able to pass on the secret family recipe for the all powerful spray. I believe my mother used an aerosol room deodorizer that with a little bit of mommy magic, was transformed into this monster deterrent. I chose to go with a cheap spray bottle.  With a Sharpie and a few left over Halloween stickers, I had an official Monster Spray bottle.

Now only Mommies and Daddies can work the magic and turn the water in the bottle into this wonderful potion.  Good thing my kids have me around… otherwise those malicious monsters would come pouring out of every closed door.  If you try to work your own monster spray magic, you might want to consider doing it in very small amounts because little hands can sometimes overuse the spray and it results in a very wet bedroom.

Once the recipe is complete, I spray all of the critical spots in the room that require monster repelling. I always make sure the closet gets a good spritzing. Often the boys request a spray at the foot of their beds and the doorway to their room. Every once in awhile I let them assist in the monster spray but I don’t always recommend it.  A spray bottle plus lots of boy energy plus time to go to bed does not equal an easy bedtime.

Monster Spray: a mother’s secret weapon

4.     The all powerful Teddy bear or other monster deterring stuffed animal.
The power of a good stuffed animal is highly underrated.  My boys have quite a few stuffed toys, but there have been two that have really been outstanding monster fighters.  First we have the guardian snakes.  Monsters are afraid of snakes.  Did you know that?  I didn’t, but luckily Mr. Train knew this trade secret. Coincidentally on the day when a particularly nasty monster had taken our closets hostage, we had been to the zoo and each boy got a big stuffed snake.  So now our snakes have a great place of honor right in front of the closet door where they can fight off monsters with great efficiency.  Monsters don’t even want to open the closet door with three snakes right there.

Our guardian snakes ready to protect

The second line of defense in the fight against the closet monsters has been our Build-a-Bear Teddy bears.  All of the kids got to go to Build-a-bear with their grandparents.  It was quite the event.  As we left the store I realized we had an elite fighting team of bears. We came home with a Batman, a Spiderman and a Jedi.  What fantastic luck!  Just when we needed some super hero teddy bears, they came to our aid.  Each night we tuck the boys in with their teddy bears and make sure the guardian snakes are by the closet.

original illustration source via Eduardo Alto)

This battle is a fight that most parents face at some point.  These darned monsters just seem to pop up in every kid’s room and ours of course are no different.  For a bit I thought we had them on the run, but now I know they are just quietly waiting. Then every once in awhile they decide to peek out and reveal themselves through a shadow or a slight noise, which we immediately get notified about through tears and screams.  So far Lilly’s closet has remained uninhabited, but I am sure it’s only a matter of time before the battle for her closet begins. I no doubt will again don my monster fighting armor with monster spray in hand and a fierce monster fighting teddy in the other, because I am a mom and that’s what we do.