A Changeing Identity Part One: Before I Was A Mom

A few weeks back my MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group had a video and discussion about identity and how it changes throughout our lives, especially after becoming a parent.  As we were discussing at our table, I realized just how many of us had struggled or were currently struggling with our changing identities.  We shared our own experiences and I realized I could distinctly break mine into three parts: pre mother, new mother and my current self.  I think these are all natural shifts that most, if not all, parents have to adapt to.

Throughout my entire childhood I knew what I wanted to be.  I wanted to be a biologist. I’m not kidding — I remember in the first grade drawing a whale with my Grandma and telling her I was going to study animals when I grew up. It was just who I was. It continued through middle school and into high school when I chose to go to a school at a magnet connected to the Los Angeles Zoo. I was confident about wanting to study biology and I knew I was either going to be a zookeeper or a biology teacher. (Although one teacher who was a particular inspiration to me told me teaching a bunch of high school kids was very much like working with a bunch of monkeys.)

I went off to college to work on my biology degree and make my final decisions for my career. I worked at a marine mammal center to get the needed experience and I absolutely loved it.  I got the chance to bottle feed and hold a napping sea lion (until he outgrew my lap). I held an elephant seal while a vet did surgery on his eye about 6 inches from my face (fascinating but also disgusting).  I loved it all but I think my favorite part was talking to the kids who came to visit our center.  The joy on their faces as we talked about marine mammals and all their neat adaptations sealed the deal.  I was going to be a teacher.  I was confident in my choice and I knew exactly who I was and who I was going to be.

Before I was a mother, working in my field and loving every minute of it.

I worked as a teacher for a year and loved it!  I was passionate about my subject and passed that on to my students.  I was that nerdy science teacher in the lab coat that got excited about everything from DNA forensics to fossils. But then I got the fever, and I got it bad.  Mr. Train and I were recently married and baby fever took over.  All of our plans for waiting a bit were out the window and I was ready.  Unfortunately, as some other people can attest to, when having a baby doesn’t work right away it can become all consuming.  For the first time in my life I struggled with my identity.

This is really a hard pill to swallow for someone who has been sure of themselves since the 1^st grade.  I was consumed with timing and symptom spotting and just praying that I could possibly be pregnant. Then came the fertility treatments and I was completely lost. The young passionate teacher was gone and I was overcome with medications, trigger shots, horrendous hormone swings and incredible disappointments.  I think out of all the times in my life, this was the hardest for me to cope with. I had no idea who I was anymore or who I was going to be. I had this aching desire to be a mother, and for the first time in my life it wasn’t something I could work towards or succeed at. The version of me that I knew and loved had vanished and I struggled to see how I could ever find myself again.  Sure, I went to work every day but I couldn’t concentrate as well and my excitement for my subject matter was minimal.

Then one day a young woman placed her son in my arms and called him mine. From that moment on everything changed. Everything seemed right. I was no longer struggling with this idea of never becoming a mother. I took a year away from my career to take care of this beautiful little boy, but I would be back. I felt like I was at peace. I was happy, but really I still had no idea who this new me would turn out to be. The turmoil I felt from infertility was gone, but I had no idea what to expect from this new life.  Sometimes I look at pictures of myself and just think “Oh mama, you don’t even know… you just don’t even know how this life is about to change.”

The joy of being a mother changed me forever

Were you confident about yourself and your identity before having kids?  Was there a time that you struggled with who you were?