The Husband Project

A few months ago, well honestly it was longer than that (it takes me forever to write about things) a book was brought up in my MOPS (Mother’s of Preschoolers) group.  Another mom had mentioned the book The Husband Project by Kathi Lipp and that she needed a group of other women to read the book together as it is recommended by the author.  I joined the group with several other woman and we began our journey together.

When I heard the title at first I kind of laughed.  The husband project made me think it was a book about “fixing” our husbands or getting them to do what we want or something silly like that, but it really was about fixing ourselves and being a better wife for our husbands.  The full title of the book is The Husband Project: 21 Days of Loving Your Man on Purpose and with a Plan.  The basis of the book is to remind women that in the midst of our busy lives, we often forget to put our relationships as a top priority and it gives a small daily task to help strengthen the relationship.

He is a wonderful husband and this seemed like a great opportunity to remind him how much I appreciate him *

I know that many of us moms and wives have similar complaints or struggles in our marriages.  I know that because many of my friends have felt or do feel the same way that I have felt many times in my marriage.  As a newly married couple, we were able to spend all of our energy and time with each other.  Then along comes this other little person, or in my case three little people, who can’t do anything for themselves and our marriage can go from top of our priority list to the bottom.

When James was first born I thought I had it all under control.  I was taking care of him, the house and my husband. Then a month later I was miserably pregnant and sick.  There were three screaming babies that needed my attention all the time.  There were days when I was in the early stages of infancy with my boys when Mr. Train would come home and harmlessly say, “Are there plans for dinner tonight?” and I would want to pounce on him like a bear and growl, “last I checked you know how to make your own dang grilled cheese sandwich; figure it out!”

I know... not pretty... but I think a lot of us wives and mothers have been there.  There are evenings where there is absolutely nothing left to give to my husband.  When the kids have been clawing at me all day and screaming, “I want… I need… do this…”  I just feel depleted.  It doesn't have to be kids that can do this.  It could be stress at a job or family troubles, or maintaining the house.  There are so many things that pull women in 800 different directions, it is so easy to forget to put work into our marriages.

So my friends and I set up a facebook group to discuss the book and help each other through challenges. It is a three week challenge and each day the author gives a project.  Not all of us had the book so a few of us posted the projects a week at a time.  It worked for everyone, but I think reading the whole book was helpful because it gave more ideas and reasons behind doing each project.  The author is a Christian author so there are daily prayers as well, but I think anyone whether they are religious or not could read and participate in the projects.  Each day we would report back about what we did and how it was received.  I should say if you do form a support group, you need to be comfortable enough with each other to talk about or share intimate subjects.

Most of us were able to keep up with the projects and keep it secret from our husbands.  We chatted with each other about the difficulties we faced and how we solved them.  Some of the women had men traveling for part of the time and we figured out how to help each other with these little projects.  Some of us swapped baby sitting nights. Some of the challenges were more involved than others.  Some seemed easy enough but when it came down to it, ended up being difficult.  Here is an example of some of the projects.

- Give him 30 minutes of free time when he gets off work.
- Do something he enjoyed before you were married.
- Say something nice about your husband to someone else.
- Send a flirty text.
- Help your husband get a chore done.
- Wear something that you know he likes.
- Get rid of one article of clothing that you know he hates.
- Tell him you think he is attractive today.
- Cook his favorite meal.
There was also a bonus project each week to initiate sex at least once in the week.

While I was reading the book I kept thinking to myself, wow it would be nice if he did these things for me, but that was not the point.  I kept having to remind myself that I wasn't doing any of these projects because I wanted him to notice I was doing them.  I didn't need recognition or return favors.  The whole point was to just put our relationships at the top of the list sometimes, whether they are doing it in return or not.

Once we got started, we each shared our ideas and how our husbands reacted (if they reacted).  It was helpful to have someone to share our thoughts with throughout the process.  Some of the tasks were easy like I got rid of my nursing bras (it had been months since I had weaned Lilly) and Mr. Train saw and he was thrilled.  I knew he was not a fan because when laundry day came around and I happened to wear one, he made a comment and a weird face.  I knew it was time to trash them.  Some of the ones I had trouble with were things like sending a flirty text, or giving compliments.  I know they seem simple, but it’s not really in my personality to be particularly flirty, or I would get to the end of the day and I realized I hadn't complimented him yet.  It really opened my eyes to how often I can go the whole day without doing things on purpose to show that I love him.

If I want to do what's best for my kids I have to do what's best for my marriage which includes putting my husband higher on my priority list.*

At the end of the three weeks, I noticed that not only was I doing things to show my love but it was definitely being reciprocated on Mr. Train’s side.  He didn't’ know I was reading a book that was telling me to do simple things; he was just reacting to the things I did.  When I told him he looked nice in a dress shirt and jeans the next time we went out to dinner, he took the time to put on a dress shirt instead of his normal t shirt and shorts.  When I gave him 30 minutes of free time (although I did it at bedtime instead of when he came home) a few days later, he did the same thing for me. When I made a little change to my mommy uniform of jeans, t shirt and sloppy pony tail, he noticed and complimented me. It helped me to see that my initial reaction of thinking "well why isn’t he doing some of these things for me" was a little silly.  We aren't doing them for each other and someone might as well get the ball going.  I didn't mind at all that it was me and a book telling me exactly what to do.

A month or so after it was done, I fessed up to the project and he laughed at first.  He wanted to know if he was some sort of an experiment or if he was being compared to other husbands.  I assured him that no one was taking notes or comparing husbands; that wasn't the point.  He just laughed and said, “well if it made you give me a back rub, throw out your nursing bras, and get new pajamas I guess  I’m OK with it.”
I loved reading it and participating with my friends.  We supported each other and it helped rekindle our relationships with our husbands.  She has a few other books like The Get Yourself Organized Project and The Me Project that I am interested in trying.

Would you ever consider reading a book or participating in something like this to rekindle your relationship?
* photo by Heather Ikei